i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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