she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
