For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
