you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
