So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize