oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This is the high leading the old right now
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
not ubering you a puppy
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
