the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
