And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
