i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
