I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
