I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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