i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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