Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
