Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
How's work?
Spinning.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Still dying that you shit outside
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
