At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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