im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
