Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
