So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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