I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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