Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
