First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
