Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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