Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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