How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You ruined the universe
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
