How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
