Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
