the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
