talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
