Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize