I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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