Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize