I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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