That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
