Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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