made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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