The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
