Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
