If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
