I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
