She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
