I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
