hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
there's paper in my vomit.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
