Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize