see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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