well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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