My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
