he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
