i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
