toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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