that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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