Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize