youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You may now shotgun with the bride
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
