Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
