I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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