come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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