So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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