you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
