is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
