I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
