if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
